Romance in Marriage
Please allow me to speak to you as if we are having a one on one conversation. As a marriage and family therapist, I often interact with couples in which the lady is frustrated at the man’s lack of continuing to be “romantic” following the nuptials. From the beginning of my career, I have wondered about the reasons this is such a consistent issue. I believe I have developed a great deal of insight into this stumbling block that many couples encounter. God has placed a desire in my heart to write about this issue and hopefully assist men to improve the quality of their marital romance.
Let’s be real: Most men see romance as a way, perhaps even as a tool, to convince his wife to being physically intimate. In fact, most every man is happy and “content” if he has money in his pocket, and his “physical needs/desires” are being met as often as he determines is reasonable. As men, we must understand that there are more differences between us and our wives than just biological ones. Their view of physical intimacy is different. Their view of romance is different. Their view of quality entertainment is different. Their view of parenting is different. Their view of the future is different.
To illustrate this point, allow me to share a story with you. I once facilitated a marriage enrichment seminar for a church. There were approximately 25 couples and the range of time the couples had been married varied widely. There was one couple that had been married a few months. There was another couple that had been married 72 years. One of the activities I facilitated involved a discussion about physical intimacy. I split the people into two groups based on their gender. I had a dry erase board and I drew a line down the middle of it so I could record the answers from each group. I asked each group to have a private discussion in which they would identify specific words that applied to intimacy. Each group came back to the discussion with a list of approximately 20 words or phrases. The thing that was so interesting is that the only word that was on both lists was the word fun. Both genders, in that group, consider the expression of physical intimacy fun. Yet, they thought it was fun for completely different reasons! Men, there is a portion of romance that is displayed physically, but if that is your primary focus, then you will fail at meeting your wife’s need for romance. She sees it completely different. In order to meet her need, and not just use her to meet your need, then you must learn to look at romance through her eyes.
So, if romance is not about being physically intimate, then what is it? I am sure you have heard the old adage “It’s the thought that counts.” When it comes to romance, through your lady’s eyes, this statement is exactly true. When you and your wife were dating, you chased her. You expressed your interest in her. In essence, you tried to convince her that you were a person in which she could wisely invest her life. One of the differences between men and women is this: When you both say “I Do,” ladies, more often than men, need for that chase to continue following the wedding. She needs you to communicate, on a regular basis, that you still choose her. Romance is using your own creativity to express the love that you feel in your heart in ways that make her feel loved, honored, and cherished. Learning to find your own creativity and expressing it positively will make a lasting difference in the life of your marriage.
The above article is an excerpt from my book titled Through Her Eyes: A Man’s Guide to His Wife’s Need for Romance. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages Series, said that my book is “a practical and readable guide for any husband who sincerely wants a growing marriage.” The book is available in Kindle, audiobook, and paperback formats on Amazon.com.
If you are struggling in your marriage or would just like to make your marriage better, call Olive Tree Family Counseling at 252-649-2728.