Strong Men Ask for Help
While working with couples and families, one common theme that I often hear is that men feel a need to be the provider and protector of the family. Sometimes the ladies also express a desire for their husband to be the provider and protector. Of course, ladies are capable of providing and protecting themselves, but often I see couples striving for a balance that utilizes the strengths of both individuals: The man’s focus is provision and protection, and the lady’s focus is nurturing. I assert that this need that men must provide and protect contributes to a man’s need to feel strong and not reveal behaviors that lead to the perception of weakness. However, this need to appear strong can cause a man to refrain from asking for help, which only perpetuates the problem toward inevitable chaos. This is one of the reasons that men do not want to seek professional therapeutic services. In my experience, when a man calls the office to seek couples counseling or individual counseling, the problem has often been ongoing for an extended period, and the intensity of the consequences that are associated with that problem are painful. Why do men wait? Many men have come into my office only because of an ultimatum from their spouse, and clearly stated, “I don’t need a shrink.” When someone makes that statement, I usually agree with them. Yet, I try to help that individual see that my goal is to help them achieve their goals.
Simon Cowell is well known for his work as a judge on a variety of talent shows. He is often blunt and direct with his criticism of aspiring artist and many contestants on those shows appear to be a bit more nervous when it is time for Simon to provide his comments. The shows that he produces, such as the Idol, X Factor, and Got Talent franchises, are popular all over the world, and he is known as one of the richest people in the United Kingdom. Yet, he has affirmed that he struggles with depression, and he had avoided treatment for many years. Recently, he addressed this issue on the “Men in Mind” podcast. He made the following statement about going to therapy:
I’ve kinda looked after my body through diet, exercise, and I’ve done pretty well over the years, but what have I done about my brain you know and my mind and all that kind of thing? And the answer is nothing… So, I never took it seriously, if I am being honest with you… So, I made the appointment and I sat down really embarrassed and I said look, I just don’t know where to start. It is a he, the person I go to, and within about 20 minutes it was as if I had known him for 10, 20 years. He put me so much at ease and you realize you are talking to a professional… I’ve suffered from depression over the years. I think we all have. But that is something that I thought was my character trait. I wish I had done this 10 or 20 years ago if I am being honest with you.
Coming to therapy, being vulnerable, and seeking assistance is not giving the authority of your life to another person. It is an opportunity to talk with a person who wants to help you define your own goals and then develop a well-thought-out plan to achieve them. If a man really wants to provide and protect his family, therapy is a way to help ensure that he remains healthy from an emotional perspective, which will allow him to keep his eye on the proverbial ball rather than be distracted by other things that do not serve a positive purpose. If you, regardless of your gender, are struggling with depression, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, or any other negative emotion, call Olive Tree Family Counseling, PLLC at 252-649-2728. We will help.